Capture Your Grief, Day 9

Today's topic: Special Place

Our family has been going to the same beach in Connecticut every year for about 5 years. Early in my pregnancy, we planned to go there in July, when I would be in the middle of my second trimester and, presumably, feeling pretty good. Obviously, those plans went out the window when my pregnancy troubles started in mid-April. At that point, we figured we wouldn't be going this year. Weston was born on July 7, at 24 weeks, right during that time period we had initially planned to go to the beach.

So, the fact that we did have a chance to go was heartbreaking, of course. We went for two weeks this year, in early September. I'm glad we went, and I've blogged about it extensively already. I have always loved going there, and I felt close to Weston while we were there this trip.

But I don't have a special place. No place makes me feel better, more hopeful, or closer to Weston. That makes me sad, but maybe feeling hopeful and close to Weston is just more of a state of mind for me. I have a lot of special places in my life, and I tie strong memories to those places, but I don't have one for Weston. I hope that changes with time. I would love for us to have our little place, just the two of us.

However, I have to choose something for today, so here is my beach picture. The overcast skies match my mood and my heart on most days. And as I watched and ran along the ocean every day for two weeks, I listened to a beautiful song over and over that has become very meaningful (thanks to my sister for introducing this song to me). It's about the ocean, so this song becomes a special place, in a sense.

1000 Oceans
~Tori Amos

These tears I've cried
I've cried a thousand oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness

Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry a thousand more
If that's what it takes to sail you home
Sail you home, sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over Silbury Hill through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you, will you
Still remember playing at trains
Or does this little blue ball just fade away?

Over Silbury Hill through the solar field
You know that I will follow you


I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you


These tears I've cried
I've cried a thousand oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness


Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry a thousand more
If that's what it takes to sail you home
Sail you home, sail you home