Bonus topic: Losing My Anonymity
If you are my Facebook friend, you have probably already seen my numerous posts about today being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. There were candle-lighting ceremonies all over the world tonight, and our family went to one as well. I'll admit, when I first saw today's topic, I thought it would be kind of boring and generic, but was I ever wrong. And I couldn't even just pick one photograph for today. So here is an album.
Here is Caroline at the ceremony we went to at the Angel of Hope. It was a beautiful slice of community (continuing with yesterday's theme). Obviously, no one wants to be a bereaved parent, but they are beautiful people.
Here are some candles I lit at home, with Weston's picture on the chair. We have a beautiful picture of Caroline as a newborn on that chair too.
And this is my Facebook photo page from this evening. Starting a few days ago, I asked my friends on Facebook to light a candle for Weston today, and tag Shannon or myself. This is a screen shot of just a few photos we received. I LOVE this. Forgive the pun, but it truly warms my heart.
And, a couple more shots at home.
Today was a hard day. I am losing my anonymity. We joined a gym about a month ago. No one knew us, and no one knew about Weston. Well, that all changed today. After my workout (during which I broke down in tears at least three times), I went to pick up Caroline from the kids' room. The teacher mentioned that she had been pretty quiet and didn't want to play with some of the other kids. Generally, Caroline does enjoy the company of other children but definitely has her introverted moments when she prefers to be alone, so this just seemed normal to me.
But the teacher seemed a little concerned. She asked, "Does Caroline have any brothers or sisters?" Well, damn it. Of course, I immediately teared up and said, "Her brother died." She didn't understand me, so I had to say it AGAIN, while crying even harder. She and the other teacher gasped and apologized profusely. So, after I was able to collect myself, I had to put on my happy face and pretend like I was fine, so they wouldn't feel any more uncomfortable than they already did....So, now I am going to be "that" mom at the gym. Not that I don't want people to know about Weston, because I have said a million times that I do. I just don't like crying in front of complete strangers.
Then, I drove through Starbucks. It occurred to me that I could do another Random Act of Kindness and pay for the person behind me (you can read about my last one here). It's pretty pathetic that I haven't done one in six weeks. Well, everyone at this Starbucks knows me too. When I got up to the window, the barista asked how I've been, etc. I think he is also the one who actually noticed when I dyed my hair last month. That's how often I go there.
So, if you didn't click on the link above, when I do these random acts of kindness, I leave a card saying the act was done in memory of my child. I fill in the blank with Weston's name, and there is a link to the MISS Foundation. So, today I paid for the car behind me and left a card with the barista with instructions for him to give it to the people whose drinks I bought.
Random Acts of Kindness are supposed to be anonymous. Last time, the car behind me ended up following me home, so it was NOT anonymous, but it was still really great. Well, today the car did not follow me, but now the barista knows I lost Weston. So, I am no longer anonymous at the second-closest Starbucks to my house (I am still anonymous at the closest Starbucks, but they ran out of pumpkin spice flavoring, so I'm not going back for a while. And it doesn't have a drive through.)
But (again, going back to yesterday's theme), I guess that is what community is all about. The teachers at the gym and the baristas at Starbucks now have a face to put on infant loss, if they didn't already. I am proud to be Weston's mother. I am not waddling around with my giant full-term belly, showing off my new baby boy, or preparing for a NICU discharge, so I have to be his mother through lots of tears and this blog.
Because no retreat from the world can mask what is in your face.
~Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
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