Here is a picture of my calendar: I recorded my due date way back when I first learned I was pregnant in February. My due date is October 26: nine days from today.
Looking at this picture, it's pretty funny that the prominent thing is not my due date but...Happy Hour. That is Shannon's social engagement. I wish it was mine.
When I was pregnant with Caroline, I recorded every week of gestation on my calendar. If I remember correctly, I wrote out all of them as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I didn't do that with my pregnancy with Weston, and now I am really glad that I don't have to see yet another visual reminder of my dashed hopes and broken heart. Not that it would have made a difference: I know without looking at the calendar that today I should be 38 weeks 5 days pregnant.
In light of this post, it is very interesting to think about why I did not write out the weeks on my calendar. It wasn't conscious, at least not in the beginning. At some point early in the pregnancy, I think I planned to sit down and write them out, but I just never got around to it. When my pregnancy troubles started at 12 weeks 5 days, I thought about it again (and I had A LOT more time, being confined to the bed or couch), but I didn't record the weeks then, either.
One day, when I was on bed rest, I wanted to record all the weeks of my pregnancy, but I distinctly remember thinking that, if my baby was born prematurely, I would not want to see the weeks written out on my calendar. Well, wasn't that keen foresight...
But now I'm nine days from my due date. And it's on the calendar. And carved into my brain. The last nine days of my pregnancy with Caroline were wonderful: we wondered when the exact moment would come, what she would look like, etc. The possibilities were endless. Now I'm just wondering how I am going to survive this giant hole in my heart.
Weston's birthday: July 7, 2012. The seventh day of the seventh month. 7/7. The number seven...TWO number sevens. Isn't that supposed to signify good luck?
Anniversary: Is that supposed to be the date of Weston's death? If so, it's July 28, 2012. It is the day that my child died and my world ended. July 28 became, and will always remain, the "before/after" dividing point of my life.
I saw my due date on the calendar and crossed it out. I just couldn't take looking at it! Now I wish I had taken a picture of it... It's so hard that you're missing your son, instead of being excited to meet him. God bless you these next few days.
ReplyDeleteHi Shauna, Your post really resonates with me. I in a similar position, and I feel like I am always counting. I count the weeks since we lost our daughter at 22 weeks gestation (9 weeks ago), just 2 weeks after you lost your dear Weston. Then I count what week gestation she should be now, and then how long until her due date in December. I'm so sorry for your loss. I will think of you as October 26th approaches. ~ Aurelia
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