Steadfast

Nothing has changed with Weston's condition. And he LOST 50 grams today and is back down to 1 pound 5.5 ounces. His night nurse said that amount is nothing to worry about, that fluctuations are still normal, and that the reason for the drop could have been anything from a few heavy diapers to a scale error. But try telling that to a worried mama! I was really feeling down and discouraged about the brain bleed and Weston's progress during the evening. Although we knew that this roller coaster ride would define the NICU experience, nothing truly prepares parents for it.

It's 2:15 am, and I am having an early-morning pumping session, as usual. I logged on to Facebook and saw that baby Rolland, whom I have mentioned previously and for whom I also asked for prayers, is doing much better and got to be held by his mama for the first time tonight, for a whole hour! His mama, my high school classmate, wrote such a beautiful post telling the story. To me, this was proof that God is walking this road with us, hearing our prayers, and protecting our babies.

I KNOW that God can protect and heal Weston from this brain bleed. We did go back to the hospital yesterday evening during S's shift, so we could get his opinion on things. He reinforced what we knew: that brain bleeds are extremely common in babies this small and that they usually resolve on their own without incident. He also said that the fact that the first two ultrasounds came back negative, that Weston didn't get a brain bleed until day 10, is a good thing. S tends to see the big Grade 3 or 4 bleeds during the first 3 or 4 days of life. Dr. M came and talked to us as well, and, although he was more reserved, Shannon is pretty sure he said at the end of the conversation that they don't expect it to get worse. I think I heard that too, but I am so mentally exhausted at times that I don't catch everything. He also said that keeping the rest of Weston's systems quiet will help the brain bleed resolve. So, we need a week that has gone as well as the last several days: no big brady episodes (dip in heart rate), no acidosis, no breathing issues, just a stretch of boring, quiet days. Breast milk helps brain development as well, and he has tolerated it well so far. We can also keep doing kangaroo care.

This is what I came across this morning:
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10
Dictionary.com definition of steadfast: sure, dependable, reliable, constant, unwavering. It implies a sureness and continuousness that may relied upon. Steadfast literally means fixed in place, but is chiefly used figuratively to indicated undeviating constancy or resolution: steadfast in one's faith.

Then this:
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet
and be steadfast in all your ways.
Do not turn to the right or the left...
Proverbs 4:25-27

Steadfast: twice in one sitting? I think that inspires a blog post title.

We have so much to be thankful for with Weston: lungs working well, no major heart issues, tolerating feedings, enough breast milk so far, excellent medical care, health insurance, overflowing support from family and friends, enough love to fill up the entire hospital, and, most of all, constant prayer and God's protection. Not to mention the sweetest little face, good coloring (as some of you mentioned), and the most perfect little hands and feet!

Please add to your prayers a request that Shannon and I will be steadfast in our resolve and our reliance on God to get Weston and us through this situation. Weston needs his parents to be steadfast, and he needs to be steadfast! This is a marathon that is testing me so much more than the previous four marathons that I actually ran. But the finish line and reward, when I finally get there, will be so much better.