First Day Home

Today was my first full day at home after almost a month. Shannon drove me home yesterday mid-afternoon. I had been looking forward to it all week. When I woke up in the hospital Wednesday morning, my nurse said something like, "You get to go home today! How great!" It hit me then that I would have to leave my baby behind, and I just completely lost it. And was a puddle of tears for the rest of the day. My poor nurses...

I don't know how I would handle this journey without the Internet. It has enabled me to be in touch with so many great people and made it easier to reach out for help. I was put in touch with someone I have never even met but who also had a baby in the NICU for an extended period of time last year. She sent me a couple of blogs, including her own, one of which said that going home from the hospital without was one of the hardest moments in her NICU journey. I felt a little better when I read that, knowing that I am not alone in my feelings.

Shannon had to go get the car, so I said my goodbyes alone. I went down to the NICU for a brief goodbye to Weston (we came back later that night), in which I felt surprisingly OK. Then I went back to say goodbye to the nurses and had a pretty hard time. They helped me through some dark, dark days, and I will forever be grateful to them.

The elevator that I took is right next to the OB triage area, which is where my hospital journey began so many weeks ago. It was really weird passing by that area after the fact, and passing through the original lobby where I came in. I was experiencing so many weird emotions during that walk. Then I walked outside, and suddenly I was in another world.

So, it is HOT! I know that's not news to anyone who has lived in Phoenix for even one summer, but I had been indoors for a month. We live about 10 minutes from the hospital, but it felt like it took an hour to get home in my HOT HOT car. I sobbed the whole way home, all the while feeling guilty for it, because I was about to see my sweet Caroline.

We pulled into the garage, and Caroline and my mom had made me a "Welcome Home Mommy" sign that was hung on the door. Fortunately, I was able to pull it together just in time, because then my sweet girl opened the door. She just stood there with the biggest smile, saying, "Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, Mommy and Daddy." Oh, how I love that girl. And she even saved me a present. She had just woken up from her nap with a dirty diaper. My mom offered to change it, and she said no. She wanted Mommy to change it. Mommy had not changed a diaper in forever. Even before going into the hospital, I kept diaper changing to a minimum because of being on bed rest. We had planned to potty train her before my due date in late October because we didn't want two kids in diapers. Clearly, that is not even close to happening. But, I digress...

Caroline had a perma-grin for several hours. So did I. :-) My mom's husband, V, had been in town for a while. He is an amazing cook, so he had made a great meal for us to enjoy on my first night home before he left town a few days ago. He cooks with A LOT of garlic but had left it out of this meal completely because I am pumping breast milk, so he felt that the meal was not up to his standards. I, however, thought it was fabulous, especially after a month of hospital food!

The house seemed very weird to me. Outside, some flowers had been pulled, and the grass was browner. NOTE: that is not Shannon's fault. It is 115 degrees outside. Inside, the carpet seemed super soft (after a month of hard floors), the lights seemed really dim (after a month of very bright lights), and the hallway seemed claustrophobically narrow (it is a perfectly adequate hallway).

Caroline's bedtime was pretty difficult. These last few months have been really hard on Caroline too, and it took FOREVER to get her to bed. I haven't been a part of her routine in so long that I feel really out of it. Even pre-hospital, I couldn't participate as much in a lot of our routines because of the bed rest. I haven't been able to rock her to sleep in ages. So I settled down to read her a couple of Bible stories. She has her favorites, but I didn't know what they were. She likes the story about Jesus crying (mourning the city of Jerusalem), so Daddy had to come in and find the story. Sigh...And it's kind of weird that she likes to read about Jesus crying. I have some "deep" thoughts on that, but I am not a theologian, and I think I would really mess everything up.

As soon as we got her to bed, we had to immediately turn around and leave for the hospital to see Weston. I'm still on medications for my c-section, and the incision site is still very tender, so I'm trying to avoid walking long distances. Shannon parked in the same parking garage where he has been parking all month, and we walked to the NICU from there. It was a long walk and tired me out. But it was nice to see what his and Caroline's daily routine was when they came to visit me. A pigeon had laid eggs in a nest next to the pedestrian bridge. They hatched, and the baby birds grew up during my stay. Like Weston is going to do. :-) So I got to see the birds that everyone had been talking about.

We got a good report on Weston last night. It's old news now, since I have written an update today. But E, his night shift nurse, was thrilled that he hadn't lost weight. She said she even weighed him twice to make sure. She had also been trying to get his handprints, but he wouldn't cooperate. I guess if he wouldn't cooperate by staying inside me longer, why in the world would he want to give up his handprints? He's a feisty one with a mind of his own! But it's nice to hear those personal touches from his caregivers. We definitely feel like he is in very good hands. We got home exhausted but happy for a good report.

Every night of Caroline's life, I have checked on her before going to sleep (except for the very few occasions that I spent the night away from her). Even when I was on bed rest, I'd make the trip down the hall to check on her. I obviously wasn't able to do that for a month. Last night, I resumed my tradition. I looked at that sweet angel face, sound asleep, and my heart was so full.