Control Freak

This is where things get a little introspective. One benefit (or drawback?) of bed rest is that it gave me A LOT of time to think. The inner life doesn't change overnight, so it has been a process to figure out why God chose to take me on this journey. I have never even really kept a journal, so this is pretty crazy for me to put it all out there on the Internet. If you are not captivated already, feel free to just stop reading. ;-)

Cliche alert: to see where I'm going, I have to look back at where I've been. So, let's go back to 1988. Just kidding.

Conception, pregnancy, and childbirth were a piece of cake with Caroline. Shannon and I took the Bradley class, and I had a natural birth in the hospital. Although I got the natural birth I wanted, there were elements of it that were less than desirable. My OB was dismissive, I still didn't have full control over labor, and the hospital staff was really annoying after Caroline was born (the best part being when someone came to our room at 11:30 pm RIGHT after Caroline had finally falling asleep asking us for our copay). After doing a lot of research, and feeling more confidence after already gone through childbirth, we opted for a home birth attended by a midwife for my second pregnancy. I truly believed (and still believe, I think) that it is the best option for mom and baby in a normal, healthy pregnancy. I have enough thoughts on this topic to fill an entirely different blog, but I will spare you all.

We also have always tried to live a healthy lifestyle. I love to run and have run four marathons. Raising a child and working full-time made regular exercise go out the window, though. Last year, I read a book about the dangers of processed foods that opened my eyes even more to healthy living. I would say that I have tried to incorporate a lot of principles from that book into our family's lifestyle. Shannon would say that I have become obsessive and make him eat gross, dry bread.

Shannon and I started talking about expanding our family around Caroline's second birthday (August 2011). Around that same time, I read an article stating that the average umbilical cord blood at birth has over 200 chemicals in it, including jet fuel! This completely freaked me out. Then I stumbled upon some natural living blogs and learned how to make my own cleaning products, etc., and it was all over! There was NO WAY this baby was going to be exposed to all those chemicals in utero!

So, to state the obvious, I am a complete perfectionist and control freak. I knew I couldn't be a perfect parent to Caroline, but somehow it's easy to forget that the same principles apply to making, gestating, and giving birth to a baby. Everything went according to MY plans with Caroline: we conceived very easily. We found out we were pregnant in time to tell my family at Christmas. I wanted a girl. The pregnancy was almost completely uneventful, and I felt great once the nausea was over. I only gained 28 pounds. I wore high heels until 38 weeks. I worked up to the very end, went into labor on a Sunday and had her early Monday morning on August 24, 2009, one day before my due date. AND, we went to a fancy dinner the night before labor started and heard the band playing "Sweet Caroline" as we left.

Caroline is a sweet, funny, happy, beautiful, healthy girl: more than we ever could have dreamed of. I thank God for her, but I worked really hard to make everything happen, and everything went according to MY plans. I was ruminating over this on bed rest a lot and began to see what God has been trying to teach me.

But now it is time for bed, so this captivating blog post must end.