Psychoanalyze Me

I can't tell who reads this blog; I only know the number of people who read each post (100-150, on average). And I figure that I know most of my readers personally, but that might not be the case. And I have not seen many of you in years, I'm certain. So, here are some things about me that you might not necessarily know from reading my blog:

1. I am a drama queen. Always have been. My entire family is dramatic, actually. I discovered the extent of our dramatic-ness when I told Shannon that something was amazing, and he said, "Oh, there's that Bryant word again." Also when the tire on my car blew out while I was driving. That's a long (but dramatic!) story.

2. Junior Mints = heaven in a box.

3. I am highly extroverted, according to every personality test I have ever taken. Speaking of personality tests...

4. My family loves taking personality tests.

5. I have no trouble expressing my feelings. You probably already knew that.

6. I used to be addicted to Dr. Pepper, but I have not had a soda in over 200 days, thanks to a handy little iPhone app called Habit Maker Habit Breaker. Success, finally!

7. At one point in my childhood, I wanted to be an architect, until I found out how much math would be involved. But I think I wanted to be a lawyer first, so it all worked out just fine.

8. Shannon and I picked out Weston's name when I was pregnant with Caroline, before we found out she was a girl. Weston is NOT named for a hotel chain.

9. I am a perfectionist and a control freak.

10. Weston looks JUST like Caroline did when she was a newborn.

11. My alcoholic beverage of choice is beer. Premium, of course.

12. Until Weston died, I considered my three years in law school as the worst three years of my life. It was just so awful. This is pretty remarkable because...

13. I took (and still take) my parents' divorce very hard. They split up at the end of my freshman year of college.

14. Since Weston died, I have been regularly attending support groups.

15. I am also attending almost-weekly counseling sessions, and I am purposefully building friendships with other parents who have lost children. It helps to talk to people who truly understand what I am going through, and they help me feel less alone.

16. I love being around really smart people.

17. I am snarky and sarcastic. That one was not obvious at all.

18. Although I am pretty open and direct on this blog, there are many issues I do not talk about. One of many is what my counselor and I discuss. My privacy is important to me.

19. I despise cowardice and judgment. And hasty, incomplete reading that ignores context. And people thinking they know better than me what I need. I am the expert on my own grief.

20. Before Weston died, I was a happy, optimistic person who loved to laugh and make others laugh.

21. Weston's death has changed me like nothing else ever will. It has changed my values, my priorities, and even my beliefs, to an extent.

22. However, Weston's death has NOT changed my personality.

23. I have always valued respect, honesty, and directness.

24. I have VERY strict food and media rules for Caroline: no processed food and no TV or other screens (except on long car rides and when we are waiting for a long time in a place where she needs to stay quiet). Many people are rolling their eyes and/or laughing at their computer screens as we speak, I am certain. But she is a happy, healthy girl.

25. I am turning into my mother. See number 24.

26. I am a pretty self-aware person, and I am doing what I need to do to cope with Weston's death. As long as I (1) can be with and communicate with my family and friends, (2) keep blogging, and (3) keep running, I will get by. Let's all pray that I don't get injured and have to cease item three; so far, so good. In addition, I think I have been pretty direct by letting people know what I need.

27. This blog is my therapeutic outlet and my place to vent. Some people have worried about my well-being. Others have told me I seem better in person than I seem on my blog. I am aware that I use highly dramatic language at times. And, obviously I am dealing with the worst tragedy a parent can experience. So I acknowledge my responsibility to give my readers a bigger picture of who I am in the form of this post.

28. Although I don't feel it on a regular basis right now (after all, Weston only died five months and two days ago), there is more to my life than losing Weston. But my blog subject is Weston, so - surprise! - I am going to talk about Weston. A LOT.

29. I think I have made this "tidbit" pretty clear, but it bears repeating: as an extrovert, I gain the support I need from other people. All of the communications I have received from so many of you mean the world to me.

30. As a mother who loves her children infinitely beyond description, I want to be where my children are.

31. READ THIS VERY CAREFULLY: the desire of a mother to be with her children does not change based on the location of her children. That's obvious, right? Therefore, just because one of my children happens to be in heaven does NOT mean that I stop wanting to be with him. (This is a prevalent feeling among bereaved parents.)

32. HOWEVER, wanting to be with one's deceased child is NOT synonymous with wanting to harm oneself. Again, I love my son in heaven just as much as I love my daughter on earth. See my blog title.

33. I cannot respond to every message I receive. However, when someone is concerned for my welfare, I respond immediately. I am going through a terrible time, and I recognize my responsibility to let concerned individuals know the state of my mind and heart.

34. In case you missed it, I AM NOT CONSIDERING HARMING MYSELF. See numbers 30-32.

35. In case I still have not made myself clear, my husband, daughter, and the rest of my family are already going through hell. I would not dream of adding to that hell by harming myself. Besides, I am Weston's mother, and he died; if I am not going to give him a voice, who is?

36. Blogging is my outlet. See number 27. As long as you are still reading blog posts, it means I am getting by.

37. I am long-winded. Who makes a list with 37 items?

Hypothetically speaking, of course, if you are truly concerned for my safety and well-being, here is a novel idea: please contact ME or MY HUSBAND first. If you don't know me personally, use the comment section. DO NOT call Mental Health Services. The reasons why you should not call Mental Health Services are...see all of the above, LISTEN to me, and/or READ MY BLOG.

I (NOT MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES) AM THE EXPERT ON MY OWN GRIEF.