Today was Weston's memorial service. It was a small, private service with family and a very few close friends. Surprisingly, the emotional turmoil of the anticipation was more difficult than the service itself. Don't get me wrong: it was excruciating. But it was also a beautiful, heartfelt, and highly personal tribute to our son. I hope that somehow he felt the deep love for him in that room.
We wrote a letter to our friends and family that a good friend read at the service today. But our support system extends far beyond the people who were there today, so I want to share the letter with anyone and everyone who has read or otherwise knows of any portion of Weston's story. Here it is:
Dear family and friends,
We are so thankful for and comforted by your presence here today to honor the short life of our son and little brother, Weston Max Yoder. You are here today because you are significant people in our lives, by virtue of your relationship with some or all of the four of us: Shauna, Shannon, Caroline, and Weston. Some of you met Weston, but many of you did not. Weston made a deep impact both on those who knew him and those who never had an opportunity to meet him.
As most of you know, this difficult journey did not begin with Weston's untimely passing, but several months earlier, when Shauna began having pregnancy complications. Since then, many of you have asked, or maybe just wondered, how we were doing, what happened, or what you could do to help. Throughout this challenging journey, we have been overwhelmed and blessed with prayers, well wishes, and offers of help. This letter is an attempted response to your reaching out to us.
First: how we are doing. We are feeling many emotions right now: shock, numbness, despair, anger, mourning, missing Weston profoundly, and loss of control mixed with very transient moments of normalcy, peace, humor, or distraction. While we have relied on God and our faith to get us through this incredibly difficult time, we have moments of questioning this path on which God has led us. As Mother Teresa said, "I know God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
We have also felt, and continue to feel, deep gratitude to all of you and everyone who has supported us. We are thankful for health insurance, excellent medical care for Shauna and Weston, close proximity to the hospital and reliable transportation to get there, and a strong support system at the St. Joseph's Hospital NICU.
Second: what happened. This is a fair question from you, with whom we share our lives. As individuals, Shauna, Shannon, and Caroline have different ways of processing and working through these events.We have been, and continue to be, emotionally exhausted from recounting medical or other aspects of this journey. For that and other reasons, Shauna started her blog, The Divided Life, which chronicles the medical and emotional ups and downs of her pregnancy, hospital stay, Weston's birth, time in the NICU, his tragic death, and the emotional journey to come. Many times, it is exhausting and emotionally painful to talk about these events. Please do not interpret very short or surface answers to these questions as anything besides emotional exhaustion. Rest assured that if we want to talk about it, we will talk your ears off! Sometimes talking about it will be quite therapeutic.
Finally: what can you do to help. First of all, we are so blessed to be in the position to even answer this question. We cannot overstate the blessings you have all been to us, with your offers of tangible help, words and items of encouragement, countless emails, texts, and Facebook posts, visits to the hospital, and, most of all, your prayers. While everyday routines might slowly return to normal now, with no more daily trips to the hospital and Shauna returning to 100% physical strength, we are entering a new level of emotional turmoil that we will have to work through in the coming weeks, months, or years. While we most likely won't need as much tangible help as before, we will desperately need your prayers and emotional support.
We want you to understand a few things: first, please do not be afraid that you will say the wrong thing. We have received so much kind and thoughtful correspondence and can't think of a single "wrong" one. Words are not even necessary: a hug will suffice. Don't be afraid of making us cry. With the huge loss we have suffered, crying is bound to happen a lot and helps us through the healing process. Don't feel like you need to be strong for us. The loss of a child stirs up strong emotions in so many people, especially other parents. If you want or need to cry in front of us, that's OK.
Please don't interpret our silence as indifference to your kind words. We are still emotionally drained and will be for a long time. It is simply too much to respond to everyone and everything. However, let us again say that your words are priceless. We treasure every one, even if we don't respond.
After today, we need to withdraw for a while and begin the long and painful healing process. While we will never get over losing our son, we are hopeful that time will lessen the extreme pain. We need alone time as a family to begin this process. We might take an extended trip as a family, and we probably will not show up at church for many weeks.
Your coming together and supporting us has been an unexpected blessing throughout this trial. Although we wish with all of our hearts that Weston was still here with us, we treasure your kindness more than we can say, which is evidence that God has had his hands in these events. God bless you always for the unique parts you have played in our and Weston's lives.
With love and gratitude,
Shauna, Shannon, and Caroline Yoder
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