This post's title is unfinished because the post is unfinished. Much to my surprise and delight, my blog was nominated for a Liebster award. Blogs with less than 200 followers are eligible, and the Liebster award is meant to encourage us to keep blogging. Generally, over 100 but less than 200 folks read each post I write. Once in a while, I'll get over 200, and over 500 people have read the post about Weston's death. But official followers (which means, I think, that you get posts delivered straight to your inbox)? Drumroll: I have...FIVE. So, yeah, I'm eligible for the Liebster award.
This lovely lady nominated me. She asks her nominees eleven questions: whatever questions she wants to ask. In turn, I answer them, think of eleven questions of my own, and nominate eleven other small blogs. I'm not allowed to nominate blogs that have already been nominated.
It has been almost a week since I last posted. If you've been reading for more than a week, you know I usually post every two or three days. Frankly, I am EXHAUSTED. Shannon was sick, then I got sick, and now Caroline is sick. And I am still far from 100% better, I missed my 15-mile training run for my half marathon next week, I have to run 12 miles in the rain tomorrow while paying for childcare because my gym with free childcare is closed, my husband is out of town--deep breath. That would be a lot for anyone, but all that on top of sadness over losing Weston is just overwhelming.
Monday marks six months since Weston died, and a few-ish days after that marks a year since I became pregnant. In other words, the "this-time-last-year-I-was _____" pregnancy nostalgia has begun. This is not something I thought about with Caroline: "this time last year my pregnancy was viable," for example. No. I was too busy actually raising her to think about that stuff. I was too busy making memories with her. I was too busy enjoying my alive, healthy child.
Anyway, the nomination. I have only had time to answer the eleven questions posed to me. I still have to think of eleven original, interesting questions of my own to ask eleven other bloggers. But I figured some is better than none, so here is half a post.
Of course, not everyone who is nominated for a Liebster award has lost a child, but we tend to seek each other out. My nominator's (it's a word! I checked.) questions have a lot of perspective that I do not currently have, and many are future-oriented. I have decidedly NOT been thinking about these issues at all lately, so answering these questions has truly been an exercise in self-examination.
1. Have you felt nudges from God in your life's journey? What have you felt led to do?
I have never felt led to do anything until Weston died. (Or, if I have, I can't recall it right now. Family and close friends, feel free to remind me.) At this point, I know that my life has taken on new meaning, but I don't know what that looks like yet.
I do believe that many events of my life were orchestrated by God, but I can't say I ever felt a nudge. Until recently. Unfortunately for this blog, the two big nudges I have felt cannot be discussed here right now.
My takeaway point from this question? I have no doubt that God has nudged me in my life, so I need to slow down, listen, and recognize and acknowledge God's nudges for what they are. One part of doing this would include keeping a journal, or a blog. Hey! I'm halfway there already. Only the hardest part remains.
2. What has helped you the most as you've dealt with trials?
Losing a child is the biggest trial anyone could face, I am certain. I have had other trials in my life, but my answer to this question is based solely on what has helped me since we lost Weston.
My family and friends
Other people who have experienced similar trials
Sometimes God
3. How have you grown in the past year, or what experiences have helped you to grow
spiritually/mentally/physically?
Weston's death less than six months ago has caused me to grow in spiritual and emotional knowledge I wish I never had.
Physically, my body catastrophically failed my son by only being able to carry him for twenty-four weeks, resulting in his death three weeks later. Three months in bed bleeding, one month in the hospital, and a c-section left me physically weak and depleted. Since then, I have worked up to running 14 miles at a time and am running my first half marathon in years in about a week. I think and hope the experience will be cathartic.
Mentally, I am a shadow of my former self.
Wow. It is so much easier to talk about my physical self than anything else. Time for some serious self-examination.
4. What makes you feel most alive?
Running
5. What are three wishes you have for your children (future ones if you don't have any yet)?
Stay alive and healthy (sounds trite, I know. But my wishes for my surviving child become pretty basic after my other child lost the most important thing: his life.)
Be secure in our and God's unconditional love for them
Love others
Can I have a bonus? Develop a lifelong love of learning and curiosity of her surroundings. This would be the foundation of so much more: empathy and compassion. Self-awareness. The ability to cultivate close relationships. The desire and ability to make a difference in the world.
6. What is one skill you would like to do better?
I would love to be a better listener and a good photographer. I guess that's two.
I have been an avid reader all my life: so much so that I got an undergraduate degree in English. And I read a lot when I was on bed rest at home. I don't know if I would say that all of these are my "favorite" books, but they have affected me greatly.
Bowling Alone, by Robert Putnam (read in mid-2000s)
This is a dense and somewhat academic book about the general decline of community in America. Participation in group activities has declined all the way around, from career networking groups to volunteer groups to church attendance to Elks Club to knowing one's neighbors to...bowling leagues. This decline in community results in the fragmentation and isolation of American life: when we're not participating in something bigger than ourselves, we lack perspective, we become lonely, we become fatalistic, and we don't have anyone around to help with life. No one to borrow sugar from, to babysit, to bring us a meal in a pinch, to give us a ride to the airport. Reading this book opened my eyes to the importance of cultivating community in my neighborhood, at work, at church, everywhere I go. Whether my family tried hard enough to build a community was put to the ultimate test when I was put on bed rest, and continued...to the hospital, to Weston's birth, life, death, and the falling apart of everything. The end result? We are blessed beyond belief and could not have survived without the small-army-sized community that has stepped up physically, virtually, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc.
In other words, read this book and do what it says. You never know when you might need a community.
This is a dense and somewhat academic book about the general decline of community in America. Participation in group activities has declined all the way around, from career networking groups to volunteer groups to church attendance to Elks Club to knowing one's neighbors to...bowling leagues. This decline in community results in the fragmentation and isolation of American life: when we're not participating in something bigger than ourselves, we lack perspective, we become lonely, we become fatalistic, and we don't have anyone around to help with life. No one to borrow sugar from, to babysit, to bring us a meal in a pinch, to give us a ride to the airport. Reading this book opened my eyes to the importance of cultivating community in my neighborhood, at work, at church, everywhere I go. Whether my family tried hard enough to build a community was put to the ultimate test when I was put on bed rest, and continued...to the hospital, to Weston's birth, life, death, and the falling apart of everything. The end result? We are blessed beyond belief and could not have survived without the small-army-sized community that has stepped up physically, virtually, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc.
In other words, read this book and do what it says. You never know when you might need a community.
7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, by Jen Hatmaker (read in February 2012)
This was a phenomenal book. The author addressed seven personal issues of excess over seven months. One month she wore only seven articles of clothing. One month she ate seven items of food (and she's a foodie!). One month she gave away seven of her possessions every day. One month she developed seven habits to help her adopt a greener lifestyle. One month she prayed seven times a day. You get the idea. The result? I'm not a professional book reviewer, so here's a snippet from the back of the book: "It's the discovery of a greatly increased God-a call toward Christ-like simplicity and generosity that transcends a social experiment to become a radically better existence."
This was a phenomenal book. The author addressed seven personal issues of excess over seven months. One month she wore only seven articles of clothing. One month she ate seven items of food (and she's a foodie!). One month she gave away seven of her possessions every day. One month she developed seven habits to help her adopt a greener lifestyle. One month she prayed seven times a day. You get the idea. The result? I'm not a professional book reviewer, so here's a snippet from the back of the book: "It's the discovery of a greatly increased God-a call toward Christ-like simplicity and generosity that transcends a social experiment to become a radically better existence."
Anything by Barbara Kingsolver.
Her nonfiction memoir-ish book Animal Vegetable Miracle (read fall 2012) is the ONLY non-grief-related and non-spiritual book that I have been able to finish since Weston died. In the book, Kingsolver's family decides to eat only what they grow themselves or can buy locally for a year. It helps that they live on a farm and know how to garden. I don't know if I could ever do this (a cactus in my custody once died), but I can identify with her values.
Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo (read in 2000) (I haven't seen the recent movie. The book has always been one of my favorites. I'm original, damn it!)
Where to begin? Les Miserables takes place against the backdrop of the French Revolution. Characters include a prisoner, a bishop, a rogue police officer, a prostitute, children, a revolutionary. The novel's themes include forgiveness, redemption, war, obsession, revenge, desperation, love, and "the universal desire to escape the prisons of our own minds." It's been thirteen years. I need to read it again.
Her nonfiction memoir-ish book Animal Vegetable Miracle (read fall 2012) is the ONLY non-grief-related and non-spiritual book that I have been able to finish since Weston died. In the book, Kingsolver's family decides to eat only what they grow themselves or can buy locally for a year. It helps that they live on a farm and know how to garden. I don't know if I could ever do this (a cactus in my custody once died), but I can identify with her values.
Les Miserables, by Victor Hugo (read in 2000) (I haven't seen the recent movie. The book has always been one of my favorites. I'm original, damn it!)
Where to begin? Les Miserables takes place against the backdrop of the French Revolution. Characters include a prisoner, a bishop, a rogue police officer, a prostitute, children, a revolutionary. The novel's themes include forgiveness, redemption, war, obsession, revenge, desperation, love, and "the universal desire to escape the prisons of our own minds." It's been thirteen years. I need to read it again.
My sister. Incidentally, she happens to be a gifted listener and a fabulous photographer, among many other things. I am trying not to be too sentimental here.
9. How has your blog helped or hindered your life?
It has done both. Blogging is hugely therapeutic and has been a wonderful way to tell people about Weston. But being this public about something that is usually not discussed so publicly can and does create problems sometimes. And opening myself up to strangers does not come without risks, as I discovered recently.
10. Are there any stories of your ancestors that have inspired you?
I don't have a particular story in mind. But I was profoundly inspired at my great-aunt Theo's funeral about a year and a half ago. Theo is my grandma's sister. Our family is spread across the country but came together for her funeral at a tiny Catholic church that she attended for well over 60 years in a tiny town in the Midwest. There was enough love for her in that room to fill the entire Midwest. She lived in that town for her entire adult life, stayed married to the same man, raised a family, and was the definition of unconditional love. Everyone who ever met her remembered her sweet smile, her lilting voice, and her utter selflessness. I remember clearly, sitting there in the wooden pew where she sat and prayed so often, looking at the stained glass window and thinking, "Now that is a life well lived." We all need someone like Theo in our lives. Better yet, we should all try to be like her. She left a legacy of unconditional love. There is nothing better.
11. How are you making the world a better place?
I have received positive feedback from my blog that it is helping others who have lost children (and those who have not lost children, for that matter). Although it might seem like a small thing, we bereaved parents need all the help we can get. Knowing that even one parent feels less alone is a huge comfort to me.
I love my family and friends. For my family, knowing they are loved unconditionally will, hopefully, enable them to love others freely and make them engaged and contributing members of society. The world is a better place with them in it, and I hope I play a role, however small, in their greatness.
That's all for tonight. I am going to light Weston's candle, listen to the rain, and drink my beer and eat my chocolate.
I love reading your blog and am one of the 5 followers. Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteOops. I've been reading all along but never subscribed. Now you're up to six.
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